The US election on Indian social media

Social media is our digital paan ki dukaan. People go there for “masala,” news, gossip. Some rue the state of the world. Others pontificate on the way forward. Everyone is an expert on everything. Some are perpetual fixtures, smoking on daily happenings and ruminating. Others make regular visits.

The new topic of discussion is the US election. Unfortunately for some, only Americans get the voting rights.

If tweets from India were votes, Donald Trump would have won hands down. Troll armies from one side have dedicated their energies into projecting Trump as India’s best friend. It doesn’t matter that he called India’s air filthy (because he’s right, but don’t talk about banning Diwali crackers!). It doesn’t matter that he offered to mediate in the Kashmir issue, despite Delhi repeatedly saying 'thanks, but no thanks'.

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It doesn’t even matter that he mocked India’s contribution in Afghanistan (“India only built a library”). It doesn’t matter that he’s blocking H1B visas or picking fights over taxes on Harley Davidson.

Like Salman Khan, once we’ve decided we like Trump, we don’t even listen to ourselves. So we campaign for Trump. Call Biden a crook, pore over evidence against Hunter Biden, and slam American media that doesn’t appreciate the greatness Trump ji is trying to usher in.

Election day comes. Americans vote. And count. And keep counting for what feels like forever. Indian social media busies itself with another debate to kill time. This oldest democracy is a joke, learn from us, we say. America is floundering, because they learned counting on Sesame street.

India’s election commission is underrated, but the best in the world. Pronto, the other side jumps in. They’re taking so long because they’re fair. Every vote is being counted. Trump says stop the counting. Biden says count every vote. Indians are still debating who counts better.

Day Two -- Trump cries election fraud. Some American channels pull out of the president’s speech. Such moral rectitude! Can Indian channels ever pull this off?

Most of those asking this question are senior journalists themselves. Others say the US press is party to a political battle.

If you’re on social media you have only two options. Either put all things American on a pedestal. Or trash all. Those doing a little bit of both will be beaten up by both sides.

The fact is that America has the most partisan media in the world. Acting as cheerleaders of any presidential hopeful is not “evolved” journalism. Calling your president “an obese turtle” is not proof of fairness. And cutting out of a presidential speech is, at best, dramatic.

India media takes sides too. Picks and chooses which speech to broadcast and for how long. Journalists in India trash and praise leaders of all descriptions, some more than the other.

Commentary is alright. Denigrating the other side isn’t. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Some have such a volume of opinion that it won’t fit in a tweet or a thread. They need a whole write up to achieve catharsis.

If you’ve made it thus far in this piece, do know that I’m a regular visitor of the aforesaid paan shop, addicted to its wares, and trying to make sense of the madness. It’s a place crawling with Abdullahs of the begaani-shaadi-mein-Abdullah-diwana fame.