Miss USA 2019 Cheslie Kryst battled depression and imposter syndrome before her suicide, reveals memoir

Depression is a silent killer and it has impacted the lives of many, including prominent personalities like Bollywood actress Deepika Padukone, Hollywood star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and pop singer Selena Gomez. Miss USA 2019 Cheslie Kryst, who died by suicide on January 30, 2022, also suffered from imposter syndrome and high-functioning depression, according to her new memoir co-written by Cheslie's mother April Simpkins.

Despite having a law degree, an MBA, the Miss USA crown, and a successful career, Cheslie felt like she "wasn't good enough" and that she "didn't belong". She found it hard to handle the pressure that came with success. The worst part was the trolling she faced right after winning the Miss USA crown in 2019. 

In her memoir, Cheslie revealed that the online hate added to her long-standing insecurities and triggered her imposter syndrome. According to People, an excerpt from the memoir reads, "All of this only added to my long-standing insecurities — the feeling that everyone around me knew more than I did, that everyone else was better at my job, and that I didn’t deserve this title. People would soon find out I was a fraud. I felt like an imposter, but not just in pageants."

Another excerpt from the memoir read, "Winning Miss USA hadn’t made my imposter syndrome go away. Instead, I was waiting for people to realize I didn’t have a clue about what I was doing. I’d perfected how to deal with that feeling in competition or in small doses— I could compartmentalize anything in short bursts. I’d immediately focus my thoughts on positive statements of power, but that only lasted for so long."

The memoir also recounts the harrowing moment Cheslie's mother learnt that her daughter had committed suicide. She received a text from Cheslie which read, "First, I’m sorry. By the time you get this, I won’t be alive anymore, and it makes me even more sad to write this because I know it will hurt you the most..."

Reflecting on her daughter's struggle with mental health, April wrote in the memoir, "[My] daughter was a fighter and yet she was gone. Every day she’d fought persistent depression until she couldn’t fight anymore. Despite the many ways depression tried to rob her of joy, with near-constant headaches, loneliness, hopelessness, sadness, and a feeling of unworthiness, she still found a way to smile, love, and give."

By the Time You Read This: The Space Between Cheslie's Smile and Mental Illness will be out on April 23. Proceeds from the memoir will go towards the Cheslie C. Kryst Foundation, which supports mental health programmes for young adults.