Emotionally abandoned, not empty: The single parents left behind to fight a rigged game of love

Starting a new relationship after a divorce or losing a partner to death is not easy for most single parents. The fear of being judged often keeps them from seeking love. Emotional needs take a backseat as they try to navigate the world by themselves. Most people assume that a single parent's life would now be fully dedicated to their children, without taking into account their desire for genuine support and love. The society does not make it easy on those who decide to explore a new relationship, questioning their need to move on.

"Single parents who date are frequently subjected to questions that married couples never face. People ask them to justify their choices, explain their timelines and defend their desire for companionship," Dr Munia Bhattacharya, Senior Consultant, Clinical Psychology, Marengo Asia Hospitals, Gurugram, says. "Widowed individuals are sometimes judged for moving on. Divorced individuals are sometimes judged for trying again. Either way, judgment becomes an invisible third person in the relationship," she adds.

The biggest reason most single parents fear moving on with their personal lives is the guilt of prioritising their own happiness as a parent. After losing their partner, either to divorce or death, their children become the centre of their lives. There is the fear of bringing someone wrong into their kids' lives, of making them feel like they are being relegated from their parents' life, and that their love and care for their child might be affected. Children pretty much form the basis of how these single parents approach life.

Survey shows how single parents approach love

According to a survey, these adults base their romantic decisions on their children. The kids are the primary factor determining whether a single parent chooses to be in a relationship and commit to it. Rebounce, a matchmaking and matrimony platform for divorced, separated, & widowed singles, surveyed 8,576 single parents and found that nearly 47% of single mothers and single fathers say that even though their kids might not be directly involved in their love life, their presence quietly shapes who they choose, how they handle their love life, and whether they allow themselves to embrace love completely.

"For single parents, it's not just about finding the right person for themselves; it's also about finding the right ecosystem that's safe, stable, and sustainable for their children as well as themselves," Rebounce's Founder and CEO, Ravi Mittal, said.

The guilt of choosing themselves

Dr Munia recalled a case of a widowed mother in her late thirties who had rebuilt her life around her son. "Work, school schedules, homework, doctor visits, weekend outings, everything revolved around him," she said. However, she had been carrying a dilemma for over a year. She had met someone for the first time in several years and "felt companionship, excitement and hope for a future that was not defined solely by loss." But instead of feeling happy, she felt guilty.

"'I don't know if I am allowed to want this,' she told me. 'Every time I think about moving forward, I think about my son.' She wasn't worried about whether the relationship would work. She was worried about whether choosing herself would somehow mean choosing less for her child," Dr Munia said, adding that "this is a conflict I see frequently among single parents, whether divorced or widowed."

"Every choice passes through another filter. How will my child react? Will they feel replaced? Will they think I am moving on too quickly? Will society judge me? Will my family support me?"

The pain of emotions that have nowhere to go

The society's assumptions make things worse for them. They automatically assume that their children are their emotional support system. However, expecting kids to emotionally support a parent is plain cruel. They are young and have their own lives. They cannot and should not be burdened with the hurt or sadness that their parent is carrying. This is something that can only be shared with another adult, a friend or a partner. However, no matter how supportive friends are, they cannot completely comprehend what a single parent is living through. So they bottle up their emotions and move on with their daily lives like a chore.

"Many single parents tell me they feel they are expected to remain emotionally frozen. As though good parenting means putting every personal need on hold indefinitely," Dr Munia says.

Fear of being judged by their children

Single parents also believe that choosing to have a new relationship might make their kids feel like they are replacing their other parent with a new one. There is also the fear of kids feeling like they are being replaced by a stranger. You can never know if these assumptions are true until you actually enter a new relationship. It creates a catch-22 situation, where they are stuck.

"Single parents often carry two hearts into every relationship, their own and their child's. Unlike most adults entering a relationship, they are rarely making decisions for one person," Dr Munia says. "The challenge is not simply about dating. It is about balancing personal happiness with parental responsibility."

She recalled an incident about a single, divorced father in his early forties who had been in a healthy relationship for nearly two years. He feared committing because he was afraid that his teenage daughter might think he was replacing her mother. "The emotional burden came from anticipated judgment — not only from his child but from extended family, friends and society," she said.

Emotionally healthy, not emotionally abandoned

Should single parents really be made to feel all of the above? Should they hide their emotions, feelings and desires for fear of being judged by everyone around them? Are emotionally unhealthy parents what children deserve?

Experts say that seeing their parents deprived of connection, companionship, or happiness does not benefit the children in any way. "Children need emotionally healthy parents, not emotionally abandoned ones," Dr Munia says. The aim should be to create a life where both can coexist, and you don't have to choose between your child and your happiness.

For most single parents, the question is never whether or not they deserve love. But can they allow themselves to have it without feeling guilty?