Love in the time of doubt: The 'Big O' with being pursued

Dating has changed in the last 10 years or so, with the most common complaint from women being that men are no longer interested in pursuing them. In fact, they are looking to be treated the same way women usually expect from them. Social media has dubbed this as the "princess treatment", meaning they want the women to take the first step, plan the dates, initiate conversations, go the extra mile, etc.

There was a time when men were expected to do the heavy lifting - wooing a woman, planning dates, reaching out first, complimenting her, pitching in for her needs, etc. But today, men are also looking for the same things.

Dr Madhu Kotiya, Relationship counsellor, says, “Yes, I think men's expectations have changed quite a bit. There was a time when a man would go out of his way to impress a woman. He would call, plan meetings, bring flowers and find excuses to spend time with her. Today, we see many men expecting women to do these things for them.”

Hanish Kumaar, an actor, says, “Yes, I think men want to be wooed too. They also like being pampered, complimented, checked on and made to feel special. Just because men are usually expected to make the first move or put in the effort doesn’t mean they don’t want the same in return.”

The lack of initiative

Madhu says there is a group of men who seem quite happy to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without wanting to get too involved. They will respond when the woman calls, agree to meet when she makes a plan and enjoy her company. But taking the initiative themselves doesn't seem to come naturally to them.

This has left women frustrated, who say they are the ones suggesting where to go, when to meet, and sometimes even initiating every conversation. Madhu says that because of this, after a while, they begin wondering whether the man is genuinely interested or has simply become comfortable being pursued.

Pragati, a journalist, says, "Today, men think if she can do it herself, why should I put in the effort? They don't get it - we can do it ourselves, but we want YOU to do it for us." Small thoughtful gestures make us feel valued, she says. "We ask for so little - a pick-up from the office, a random call for a small chai break, a little attention."

The upheaval in dating

It is clear that this gap in expectations and understanding is creating a discord between men and women. Both want to be pursued, and most of the time, they are also willing to put in the work. But somewhere down the line, everything becomes a blurry mess where neither knows what to do or what is even going on.

Damini Grover, Life Coach and Relationship counsellor, says, “The problem is not that men want to be treated as women have traditionally been treated. The problem is when both people want the perks of a relationship without taking on equal responsibility for nurturing it.”

She admits that it's perfectly reasonable for a man to want his partner to plan dates, initiate affection and be thoughtful. "But if he expects these gestures without making the same efforts himself, then we are not really moving towards equality," Damini says.

Why are men demanding to be pursued?

Dr Madhu cites a major societal shift for this change in the dynamic between men and women. "Women are financially independent, have their own social lives and are no longer waiting for a man to make every decision. Men have grown up seeing this change, so naturally their expectations are different from those of the previous generation," Dr Madhu says.

So now, some men feel that if a woman can take care of herself, she can also take the initiative in a relationship. Meanwhile, Damini says that some of them are simply confused about who should initiate, pursue or take ownership of moving a relationship forward.

But that only works to an extent. Just because women are independent does not mean that they no longer wish to be wooed or pursued. This is similar to how men want it, and they too are just as independent and perfectly fine living their own lives.

Pragati says women still want to be wooed. "Yes, we are independent in today's world. But at the end of the day, we are just girls who want to be loved, cared for, and wooed."

Another likely reason for this shift is how easy dating apps have made finding someone. Dr Madhu says that there is certainly a visible change in how comfortable men have become with being pursued themselves. "When meeting new people becomes relatively easy, the entire approach to dating changes. People have more choices, but sometimes less patience. Instead of taking time to know someone, they may move on at the first sign of disappointment."

Some have also become cautious because of their past experiences. They may have been rejected, taken for granted or hurt in an earlier relationship.

What men want?

Hanish says, "I think most men want to feel wanted and appreciated, just like women do. They might not always say it openly, but small things like initiating conversations, planning dates or remembering little details can mean a lot to them."

"At the end of the day, everyone wants to feel loved and valued. The only difference is that not everyone expresses it or expects it in the same way."

An unnamed Redditor says, "Men do not want to be taken for granted. Men also don't want to be solely responsible for a woman's emotional well-being and happiness. I want to see equal effort from a woman. And yes, we also love compliments, as that shows how important we are to them."

Dr Madhu says, "I think men are becoming more open about their emotional needs. They want to feel appreciated. They want a woman who notices their achievements, understands their pressures and doesn't constantly judge them for what they haven't accomplished."

What women want?

Women say they want to feel valued and special in a relationship. For them, princess treatment does not mean they want the man to follow them around or spoil them with expensive things. "I only want to be treated with respect and equality. If princess treatment is expected from one end, they should be willing to provide it as well. It cannot be a one-way street for both men and women," Tanya, a PR professional, says.

"All we want is to be noticed, to be missed, to know that 'my man is missing me and doing things for me.' That feeling is next level of satisfaction, something we can't buy ourselves," Pragati says.

Dr Madhu agrees, and says, "A woman today doesn't need a man to fulfil every little wish of hers. She can take care of herself and buy whatever she likes. But when her partner remembers something she mentioned casually or does something special without being asked, it makes her happy. It shows that he pays attention to her."

Damini says, "Emotional availability, consistency, shared responsibility, respect and consideration matter. This is more than some guy setting up some fancy date or buying you flowers."

What can be done

If both men and women no longer have traditional expectations from each other, what is the problem? It has a lot to do with emotionally protecting themselves. People are also more conscious of protecting themselves emotionally. Nobody wants to appear too interested or vulnerable. So they hold back, says Dr Madhu. In the process, a perfectly good connection can lose its warmth.

When the question of emotional labour enters the scene, it can start to feel unequal if it is always the one person initiating difficult conversations, planning quality time, anticipating needs and repairing conflicts.

Damini says, "I think the bigger shift is ultimately toward relationships where both people want to feel chosen, valued and cared for.

Perhaps the conversation needs to shift from who should chase whom, to what mutual effort, emotional maturity and partnership really looks like."