Irrfan Khan opens up about his battle with cancer: I submit irrespective of outcome

WION Web Team New Delhi, Delhi, India Jun 19, 2018, 01.04 PM(IST)

A file photo of Irrfan Khan. Photograph:( WION Web Team )

Irrfan Khan's tweet about him suffering a rare neurological disease had stumped almost all of us. The actor, in March, was diagnosed with a neuroendocrine tumour, which affects the hormonal and nervous systems. The actor, along with his family soon left for London and has been undergoing treatment in London ever since. 

Away from the limelight, the actor states he has had the time to retrospect about life, and that the battle with cancer has taught him to "surrender and trust".

In a candid interview to Times Of India, the actor spoke at length about how he was shaken by the suddenness of his diagnosis and its consequences. 

Khan stated that since the disease was rare, its unpredictability scared him the most initially. "This new name in my vocabulary, I got to know, was rare, and due to fewer study cases, and less information comparatively, the unpredictability of the treatment was more. I was part of a trial-and-error game.

Also read: Irrfan Khan spotted at Lords enjoying a cricket match with family

I had been in a different game, I was travelling on a speedy train ride, had dreams, plans, aspirations, goals, was fully engaged in them. And suddenly someone taps on my shoulder and I turn to see. It’s the TC: “Your destination is about to come. Please get down.” I am confused: “No, no. My destination hasn’t come.” “No, this is it. This is how it is sometimes," the actor said. 

The actor stated that how he told his son that how he did not want to bow down to the unpredictability of the disease, the pain that comes with the treatment. "That was my INTENTION. AND THEN PAIN HIT. As if all this while, you were just getting to know pain, and now you know his nature and his intensity. Nothing was working NO consolation, no motivation. The entire cosmos becomes one at that moment – just PAIN, and pain felt more enormous than GOD," the actor continued. 

The actor said how the pain had numbed him initially and he wasn't even aware that Lords Cricket grounds was just opposite to the hospital he was admitted in. “This hospital also had a coma ward right above me,” he said. “Once, while standing on the balcony of my hospital room, the peculiarity jolted me. Between the game of life and the game of death, there is just a road. On one side, a hospital, on the other, a stadium. As if one isn’t part of anything which might claim certainty – neither the hospital nor the stadium. That hit me hard.”

“The peculiarity of MY hospital’s location – it HIT me. The only thing certain was the uncertainty. All I could do was to realise my strength and play my game better,” he said.

“This realisation made me submit, surrender and trust, irrespective of the outcome, irrespective of where this takes me, eight months from now, or four months from now, or two years. The concerns took a back seat and started to fade and kind of went out of my mind space,” he said.

The actor said how the realisation made him "submit, surrender and trust, irrespective of the outcome". "Irrespective of where this takes me, eight months from now, or four months from now, or two years. The concerns took a back seat and started to fade and kind of went out of my mind space."

The actor also mentioned that how people praying for his recovery made it a collective force. "Throughout my journey, people have been wishing me well, praying for me, from all over the world. People I know, people I don’t even know. They were praying from different places, different time zones, and I feel all their prayers become ONE. One big force, like a force of current, which got inside me through the end of my spine and has germinated through the crown of my head,” he said.

The actor's next release, Karwaan, co-starring Dulquer Salman and Mithila Palker is slated for an August release.